Tonight I was scheduled to sing at a Baby Dedication for my church in front of a couple hundred folks. The song: Legacy, by Nichole Nordeman. I practiced and learned it for two weeks. I made it there early tonight and rehearsed it with the band...oh....maybe 6 times. I was set. I was a bit concerned that I would mix up a couple of the words. But...I had practiced & prepared so I was sure the Lord was going to get me through it.
Just before walking out on stage...I rehearsed the words over and over in my mind. The keyboard player had been playing another song...and I was to start right away after that. The worst happens. The beginning of the song is my voice only, then music. I started in the wrong key and wrong octave.
Okay. "breathe. you'll get"...i kept telling myself.
Wrong.
Okay...after the first two verses, it wasn't coming to me. Finally. I got it...made it through. My eyes were closed the entire time. I walked off the stage and out the door.
Mortified? Yes. Humiliated? Absolutely. Cried on the phone with Daniel the whole way home. How in the world could I have possibly messed up the key? Then freak out and not get back on track? It was just one song.
What went through my mind afterward....'People are going to remember this moment...I'll never get another chance to make that up and prove that I can do it....I let everyone on staff and the families down.' Right or wrong..this was my train of thought.
So....I ask myself. Lord, what am I supposed to learn from this humiliating experience? I practiced, prepared and was ready for this. Well...Pastor said a couple of weeks ago when he was chatting with his son, and his son's response to one of his questions was, "Because I just did." I guess that would be my response. Because I just did. Wasn't intentional, couldn't change it now even if I wanted to.
Sometimes no matter how hard we prepare and practice for something.....it may just turn out to be one big mess. It can leave you feeling helpless, humiliated and frustrated. I think the Lord wants us, even in those times to humble ourselves before him and be reminded. He is Lord of all. No matter what we do and no matter how good our intentions are, we can mess things up. But he is God and author of all things.
I leave it to him to restore my soul on this one...and one day, I pray I can laugh about this mortifying and humbling experience.
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4 comments:
Good time singing at Elevation:) It is great to be humbled...
Oh my friend,
i can relate to this...this week, i was in a meeting with some people i serve in ministry with. in the past weeks, God has really been teaching me some things that i knew it was important for me to share at this meeting. Like you, i knew those things and still know them now. had even completely shared them with a few close people who keep me accountable, so it wasn't like i hadn't thought and talked through these things before.
But, at the meeting, i shared these things and it came out all wrong. It was one of those moments when you express your point and then when you try to explain it, you end up listening to yourself and thinking, "what on earth am i talking about? did those words just come out of my mouth??" and then you look around and everyone is just staring at you like "hmmmm...." :) i finally wised up enough to just stop and the rest of the meeting went fine--without me making any more comments.
i left the meeting and was walking out by myself and my eyes were welling with tears. now if i'm about to cry and don't want to, i follow the old strategy of looking up. so, i'm walking away thinking over and over, "look up, look up, look up". but, in that moment, He gives these words different meaning. "look up, look up, look u--at Him". Humility is painful (and i can't claim to be fully over the embarassment that comes with it!), but the encouragement is His grace is enough. :)
hmmm...i can definitely identify with those moments...humbling as they are they make the great moments just a bit greater... :)
love ya!
kelly
Aw, I really feel for you! I know how difficult it is to mess up in front of a group...but thanks for sharing your story. I love your honesty and your willingness to share your goof-ups as well as your successes. Most of the time, we are our own worst critics, huh? I bet some of those parents were so focused on their little bambinos that they didn't even notice if you weren't in the right key! And I'm sure at least a few of them are tone deaf! :) Ha ha
You WILL laugh about this...you probably already have. Remind me to tell you my "tropical rooster" story in a few days when I see you face-to-face. I have a great story of how I embarrassed myself in front of 500 people.
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